World’s Oldest Infant

I have been breaking my arm patting myself on the back for doing what I’m supposed to be doing all day.

I am a crazy person and I am painfully aware of it several times a day. Really, I have to work very hard to not act like it.

Joseph didn’t come home last night. I know. I was up until 4:00 am partially concerned that he was covered in blood half hanging out of this chicks car that rolled into a ditch, on fire, with his outstretched hand searching for help with my name on his lips and his phone just out of reach. The rational part of my brain figured he probably just fell asleep. 

I fished around 2:00am with a simple text that said “I left food on the stove for you” with no response. I found myself turning off the lights in my room and peeking through the windows periodically expecting to see him making out in a parked car. I had to turn out the lights so if he was down there he wouldn’t see me spying but I’m sure the lights flickering and blinds parting were more suspicious than me just looking out the window like a normal adult and not a self conscious cat burglar. 

It was the first time since we’ve lived together that he hadn’t come home. So, yeah, I was concerned. 

We had plans to go get groceries at 10am and then get the blower in his truck recalibrated. I had to drive him because currently his license is suspended. 

I woke up to a text at 10:00am saying that he fell asleep watching a movie last night and that he would be heading back in a bit and I thought “Okay, no big. He’s going to be a little late”

So I woke myself out of bed and immediately got dressed because I figured I had 20 minutes until he got home. I’ve overslept alarms. No big, at least he didn’t forget. 

I made strong coffee and got the dog ready for a walk. And by getting the dog ready, I mean I added exactly 2 ice cubes to my coffee so it was a reasonable chugging temperature and told Ice-T, our dog, how he was such a good boy. He has low self esteem sometimes, so I like to remind him how wonderful he is and how my life is enriched by having him in it. 

I got back from the walk and Joseph still wasn’t home so I decided to make my makeup look fucking amazing. I popped in some contacts and started to work on my eyes and the unruly brows that command them. By the end of 45 minutes, I looked amazing, I drank most of a French press, the dog was walked and I thought it wouldn’t be too much longer. 

So I got a heads start on making a grocery list. That took a total of 3 minutes and I spend the next hour waiting for him to come home. At 11:45am I called twice with no answer so I sent some concerned texts. Clever things like:

“Did you run away to Mexico?”

“Should I look for a ransom notes?”

And something else that was mildly witty but I can’t remember what it was. When 10 minutes later I still didn’t get a response I called again. No answer. 

I was starting to feel pissy, but I decided I would go grocery shopping without him so I wasn’t waiting anymore. 

Background to why this didn’t work out. I know, Spoilers. 

Earlier this week, my card number was stolen and I had to cancel my card and get a new one. No biggie. I have a card for my Venmo. Turns out it was a big biggie. I have no money in my Venmo account and it takes 3-5 business days to transfer money into my Venmo from my account. 

So that option was off the table and I was back at my kitchen table watching the clock on my oven, the minutes turning on their own, slower timeline than a usual clock would. My fear of abandonment was growing biceps and a tough looking beard. 

2 hours after the text claiming he was heading home soon he called. 

He did forget that we made specific plans. 

I told him I had been waiting and that I was upset. 

One thing I really miss is landlines with corded phones. I feel like you could really make a statement if you were angry. Slamming down the receiver into the cradle used to be so satisfying. I can’t really slam my iphone without the concern of cracking the fragile glass. Hanging up angrily has no impact on a smart phone. 

So I had little faith that he would be back anytime soon, I went upstairs to run the shower and grab a book. 

Instead of taking a full shower, I rolled up the pant legs of my overalls and slid my feet into the tub and finished reading my David Sedaris book. Fucking genius. 

After I finished the book, I meditated and asked myself to just be calm and I swear I felt a weird relaxed energy wash through my body and I knew I could express my frustration without being angry. That’s when I heard Joe coming upstairs. 

I took one more deep breath as he came into sit on the toilet and talk. Here’s the boring part. 

I expressed myself simply and respectfully, He responded with an apology and it was the most productive conversation I think I have ever had in my whole life. 

My brain sometimes convinces me I am still a child but I look in the mirror and know that I am definitely still a child, but that I am growing up little by little every day. I even found a gray hair once but I was so excited, I accidentally pulled it out.