Relationships are like Getting Hit by a Drunk Driver

I was trying to figure out what to write about all day. I woke up late in the afternoon and spent too long in the shower and reading a book. I took some coffee to my lovely friend, Chris, while he was painting a mural and sat on the wall reading more actively avoiding writing for no other reason than I had committed to writing something, even if it is short, every day and I love avoiding commitments.

I came home and procrastinated and then decided to take a drive to clear my head. 

On the way back from my hour long drive it hit me. 

Relationships. 

This metaphor may only make sense to people who are as scared of driving as I am. 

Relationships to me are like driving a car. Hear me out. 

Maintenance and committing are key. Long relationships are like long road trips with someone that has a good playlist and better taste in snacks. Sometimes it gets scary like driving next to 18 wheelers in Dallas or when someone swerves into your lane. You have to watch your speed and make sure that the gas gauge doesn’t get too low. Sometimes you outgrow each other and have to find a new car, Sometimes the car just dies and it’s too much to get it fixed, sometimes you crash or sometimes a drunk driver almost kills you. 

I can assign an ex for every accident I’ve had. 

When I was cut off on my scooter at 5am while it was raining, I skid and the machine and I rolled down a 45 degree hill. I laid in a ditch for 45 minutes unable to move my legs. When an ambulance finally came, the cops ticketed me for not having insurance. That was what dating Peavy was like. I loved him since I was 14. He sold me my first guitar then lost his virginity to my best friend. When I was 19 we dated and it was a train wreck. We just drank and took painkillers and fought. One time it got physical enough that he had me in a headlock and I punched him in the balls as we tumbled over a couch. When I was finally able to leave I felt like I was in that proverbial ditch, unable to move. He was my first real relationship. The first person that I really loved and I was so broken. 

I had a minivan that I vinyled “DEATHSTAR” on the hood. The transmission exploded. I can relate that to dating Xiustah in high school. It was cool on the outside, waiting to explode at any minute but I definitely lived in it for a while.

The hot pink scooter with the mustache was Becca. I loved her dearly but in the end, she cheated on me with some dude in a garage.

I had another Minivan that had no power steering and I had to force it to go anywhere and then I had to leave it behind somewhere in North Dakota.  That would be Geoff. I wanted to be with him but it was like force feeding a baby with no mouth. He wanted to play Hunter S. Thompson and would have crazy fights with me and then refuse to let me leave his trailer. It was a constant push and pull. 

My Saturn just stopped running and when I sold it for super cheap to rent a van to go to Burning Man 2011 the guy who bought it poked the fuses with some kind of stick and then drove it off. That was Danny. The relationship was great, but I didn’t know how to fix myself. I thought maybe I was gay. He showed me that it was ok. I had never felt caring so unconditional before. He proved that I could be friends with the people that were still important to me. 

Claudia was like learning to drive a manual, funny enough, she taught me. It took me forever to learn how to start it on a hill and I had never really had a healthy relationship before. I didn’t really know how to have a relationship with someone that didn’t hate me or want to fight or control me. She was so patient and kind to me. Granted, that’s not a car accident, but learning to drive stick felt like overcoming an obstacle. 

Jacob was the first time I was hit at a stoplight and almost died. I was sitting at the stoplight at 2:00am and before I knew it my windshield was in my car in pieces, the contents of my trunk were in my front seat and I was halfway in the road. I was stopped and he rear ended me going 60mph. I didn’t even see him coming. The guy melted out of his car almost 3 times over the legal limit, lit a cigarette and slurred “Are you gonna call the cops?” I was lucky to walk away alive. I refuse to publish many of the details publicly. I went through a lot of abuse, a majority being emotional and the last straw for me was 6 months after we broke up and him trying to slam my hands in a car door and me being forced out of the company I co-founded because “women be crazy” which turned out to be a blessing because I was finally away from him and some low key victim blamers. I was lucky to walk away from that.

One time I was drunk and picked up my drunk mom and ran into two boulders in thee same parking lot. That was Spencer. We spent all of our time matching each other drink for drink and him telling me I wasn’t a priority and me telling him there was a talent in him and him never doing anything and me bumping into shit hoping he would see my value and him never seeing me as a real person. 

The first car I ever had was a $600 Geo Prism that caught fire while I was pushing it and then ended up as a bonfire in a ditch while my friend and I just watched it burn. That would be Shay. Everything was as exciting as one’s first car always is, then it died when I had an abortion but we kept pushing it and pushing it and eventually flames were shooting out and we kept moving it and then the wheel locked up and the whole relationship ended up in the ditch on fire fueled by self loathing and liquor. I’m glad him and I still friends because no matter how much we loved each other it was a shit show.

My current car, a 1991 Honda Civic hatchback, was recently backed into at a stoplight and it sat for a month with a crumpled hood and I was scared it would never be fixed. With a lot of hard work and elbow grease, it’s better than it was before. That’s Joseph. We’ve been friends for 10 years. We dated for 10 months and it was an amicable split, just a little crumpled hood but everything under the hood was still there. With a lot of communication and hard work we are still roommates and he is still my best friend. He literally saved my life and stayed with me through detoxing and protected me when I couldn’t protect myself. We didn’t lose each other and I believe our friendship is better than it ever has been. 

I get scared of driving. I get scared of all the other drivers on the road and what they are thinking. I get scared of letting myself be vulnerable and trusting people. I lean more towards trying to date people who are emotionally unavailable, The drivers on the road with their windows rolled up and NPR blasting at a reasonable volume. 

I’m also afraid that everyone else on the road is drunk. 

I’m really enjoying driving on my own right now. I have my own playlist and snacks and I have a perma-smile on my face during my late night drives because I like myself now. Eventually I will have another road trip partner who has a good playlist or likes my playlist and we will load up on good snacks and take that trip to The Redwoods and they will be as ready as I am, but I’m not in a hurry.