My Ovaries and Smoking Weed
I’m glad I don’t smoke weed anymore.
On days like today, where my cramps have grown claws that scratch my ovaries and squeeze the muscles in my lower back to a meaty pulp that threatens to leak out of my body, where everything is frustrating and that voice in my head pushes me shoot flames from my mouth and burn my perceived enemies to ashes, when I cannot find a comfortable position to lay in no matter where I place the heating pad and my head is pounding like an annoyed, miniature person is slamming a ball against the walls in my skull I kind of miss getting a little stoned.
I think that weed makes me comfortable with being lazy. Days like today I am glad that I’m not enjoying laying on the couch all day like I used to. I smoked like I drank, until I passed out. I smoked to cover my insecure feelings and discomfort. I smoked to be comfortable with a lowered ambition. If I was the kind of person to just smoke one joint when I had pain, like today, then I would be doing it right now.
All I have left to abuse is caffeine and sugar.
With drinking and other drugs it was almost too easy for the obsession to melt away. I feel like Heroin is a death wish. Speed makes me insane. Alcohol is a poison. I have asthma so smoking was absurd.
But with Marijuana, I have no moral issue with it. I think it’s a good thing for a lot of people. I am just not one of those people. I can’t moderate anything. I know this about myself.
So I am glad I don’t smoke weed anymore. I don’t ever want to feel that feeling again where I am numb from my emotions and totally comfortable being boring. A friend says “If it’s on it’s way up, it’s on it’s way out” So I’d like to move through my bullshit. I see the changes. I like hanging out with myself now. I have the clear vision to see the cool parts of myself and how I am a mildly unique and energetic person. I didn’t see that before. I see that I am actively setting boundaries to take care of myself for the first time and I really value myself as a person.
My bullshit meter is stronger than ever and my tolerance is lower than it’s ever been.
I woke up this morning to drama and cramps from hell, but I can feel myself growing. I really wish I could write the drama story, but I have to write it in a funny, honest way and I haven’t decided whether it’s the appropriate time yet. I have some processing to do.
On days like today, where my cramps have grown claws that scratch my ovaries and squeeze the muscles in my lower back to a meaty pulp that threatens to leak out of my body, where everything is frustrating and that voice in my head pushes me shoot flames from my mouth and burn my perceived enemies to ashes, when I cannot find a comfortable position to lay in no matter where I place the heating pad and my head is pounding like an annoyed, miniature person is slamming a ball against the walls in my skull I kind of miss getting a little stoned.
I think that weed makes me comfortable with being lazy. Days like today I am glad that I’m not enjoying laying on the couch all day like I used to. I smoked like I drank, until I passed out. I smoked to cover my insecure feelings and discomfort. I smoked to be comfortable with a lowered ambition. If I was the kind of person to just smoke one joint when I had pain, like today, then I would be doing it right now.
All I have left to abuse is caffeine and sugar.
With drinking and other drugs it was almost too easy for the obsession to melt away. I feel like Heroin is a death wish. Speed makes me insane. Alcohol is a poison. I have asthma so smoking was absurd.
But with Marijuana, I have no moral issue with it. I think it’s a good thing for a lot of people. I am just not one of those people. I can’t moderate anything. I know this about myself.
So I am glad I don’t smoke weed anymore. I don’t ever want to feel that feeling again where I am numb from my emotions and totally comfortable being boring. A friend says “If it’s on it’s way up, it’s on it’s way out” So I’d like to move through my bullshit. I see the changes. I like hanging out with myself now. I have the clear vision to see the cool parts of myself and how I am a mildly unique and energetic person. I didn’t see that before. I see that I am actively setting boundaries to take care of myself for the first time and I really value myself as a person.
My bullshit meter is stronger than ever and my tolerance is lower than it’s ever been.
I woke up this morning to drama and cramps from hell, but I can feel myself growing. I really wish I could write the drama story, but I have to write it in a funny, honest way and I haven’t decided whether it’s the appropriate time yet. I have some processing to do.
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